The Daily Crab
by Red not Green
Summary: Grand Line's best selling newspaper brings you all of the worlds cutting edge news as it happens. (May contain mild spoilers of up to date manga chapters but most of it is pure satire)
1. I've only aged two years since 1997

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**"I've only aged two years since 1997" Claims Shichibukai.**

08-Aug-2013

CHILDREN'S favourite Royal Shichibukai Buggy the Clown has today come out with the bazaar claim that he has only physically aged by two years since 1997.

The surprising comment came while on his forced "A Safer World" promotional tour by the Marines; when reporter for woman's magazine _GOSSIP!_ Chimney asked about his skin care regime. Rather than a confession for his fondness of luxurious facial products, that we were all expecting, Buggy proceeded to tell the reporter that he just ages really slowly.

_GOSSIPs'_ Chimney said: "He was really adamant that he is fact only two years older now than when he was back in 1997."

"The crowd started laughing at him and that made him stomp off out of the room. His very clear defensive body language as he left only made the room laugh even louder."

"The man wears a lot of face paint and obviously wears a false nose, who knows what else he's had done underneath all that stuff? A nip here, a tuck there, and then whoosh 10 odd years have been removed from your skin".

Buggy the Clown, who famously once crewed with the legendary Gol. D. Rodger had no discernable reputation until the events that led to the Paramount War. Since not only escaping himself but releasing many other captors from infamous prison Impel Down, Buggy managed to get a one way ticket to becoming a Royal Shichibukai despite his sometimes odd and at times fairly cowardly behaviour.

Train conductor Kokoro said: "I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him. Of course he is a liar. He probably has a promising career in politics ahead of him."

"Who goes around looking like him, pretending to be a scary pirate? No one else does, why, because we're not as stupid as this fool!"


	2. Fighting tops things men are good at

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Fighting tops list of things men are good at.**

10-Aug-2013

ACCORDING to a study by marketing group _Buy Me_ who asked 2,000 people to rate what they thought men were good at; fighting came out top with 83% of the people asked agreeing that men were capable of this.

Drinking too much booze came in second with 77% agreeing and opening jars came in third at 69%. Men also seem to be okay at getting rid of spiders 54% and doing DIY 49% although 23% of those surveyed said that they knew of men getting injured by doing DIY.

Things men are not so good at included: understanding women 3%, dancing 7% and changing their clothing 11%.

30-year-old man Rob Lucci said: "fighting is how men become men. There was a time when I was younger when I wanted to help conserve birds. I really like birds still, especially my little Hattori [a grey bird sits on his shoulder], but my father rightfully took me aside and told me that fighting is a much more manly activity whilst giving me a good hiding".

"I really would have been a social outcast if I'd have chosen the study of ornithology over becoming a good fighter. Fighting is how men best communicate with one another anyway".

Mermaid Cafe worker Seira said: "I blame all those famous pirates! My boyfriend is a huge fan of the 'worst generation' in particular but none of them ever change their clothes and he copies them so doesn't change his thinking this is completely acceptable".

"He stinks but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to wash them, always says he doesn't understand me. I'd dump him but he's really good at opening jars".


	3. Tenryuubito party is completely fabulous

~The Daily Crab~

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**Tenryuubito party is completely fabulous!**

12-Aug-2013

EVERYONE who attended the society event of the year is completely fantastic in every way.

The annual fancy party is the only time in the year when the World Nobles take off their strange resin helmets and suits to wear fancy hats and clothes that would cost an average man a year's wage instead.

The self-indulgent soiree brings together all the magical, wealthy and shiny people of the world in a dazzling display of wonderfulness.

Marine Fullbody, an excited ponce said: "It's such an honour to be invited to THE party, the World Nobles won't just breathe air with anybody. Mjosgard and Charloss and Saru and Shalulia and Roswald and Jalmack and probably someone absolutely spiffing called Simon."

"I'm just astounded by their fabulousness and magnificence."

"I've been hoping to get invited for years but I'm always rejected because I'm 'just a common turd'. At least they've noticed me."

Meanwhile, current Fleet Admiral Sakazuki (alias Akainu) sent a Marine helicopter to the event to convey the organisations thanks to the guests for their inspiring display of easy self-importance.

He said: "The event is at the castle where they filmed I Love Money on the Sabaody Archipelago! Because that's the Tenryuubito's favourite show! Because they can just do whatever they want! How fabulous for everyone concerned!"

Curly Dadan, a dreary mountain bandit from Dawn Island, said: "I just love how they are all so relaxed and easy-going about their inherited privilege."

"They really do have a natural gift for rubbing everyone's nose right in it. Well they can just bite my big fat arse!"


	4. Most fighting fish on steroids

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Most fighting fish on steroids**

14-Aug-2013

GRAND Line fighting fish are increasingly addicted to performance enhancing drugs, it has emerged.

A new report on the increasing destruction of seaside towns highlighted spiralling steroid use, particularly among fighting fish, who use the drugs to bulk up to look cool in front of their mates then try and be more attractive to females in the hope to mate with them.

Fighting fish Dave said: "Everyone is doing it. I attempted to have some moral standards at first and refused to use them but it just became more apparent that I was a small fish in a big pond. So I got my hands on some _stuff_, I went from a zero fish to monster fish in just two weeks."

"Some other fish have said that my increase in size has matched an increasing ego but they're just morons, so to show them how awesome I am now; I smashed up a couple of sailing boats and a cottage on the coast of Dressrosa."

"The _stuff_ is the best thing that's ever happened to me, they make it to taste like kelp and fish guts to, it's totally addictive and I'm obviously less of a loser fish now."

Fin lives in a 'steroid safe house' at the bottom of the sea with five other fighting fish steroid-addicts trying to get clean.

He said: "The _stuff_ purposefully has addictive properties so you keep going back to it; at first I thought I was the king of the sea, the _stuff_ makes you believe that and I well, I was a pretty handsome fish but I just couldn't stop taking the hits."

"I'm now so muscular that I don't even resemble a fighting fish any more. No one thinks I'm cool and no female will come near me, they joke that I can no longer 'perform'."

"I get upset about my life now but that just makes me want to take more steroids. I've travelled a few seas and almost all fighting fish are on the gear. We think it's cool but it just isn't".


	5. Gigantic children freak show

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Gigantic children bring the return of the freak show**

16-Aug-2013

THE once highly popular but controversial freak show is making a comeback thanks to children affected by gigantism and a cleverly designed plot by theatres to claim that it is actually performance art.

Theatre producers apparently have no decent ideas anymore for new shows. So, desperate in their search to find anything in which will allow them to charge extortionate amounts of money for tickets in something the public are brainwashed into believing is good, they have already scheduled 370 performances of a show entitled "The Freak Show" to be shown in the popular theatre district in Water 7.

The feature has cast several of the children who were part of the Punk Hazard kidnapping who became gigantic through experiments performed by crackpot scientist Caesar Clown; much to the criticism of several children's charities. The theatre in question has been accused of cashing in on the recent popularity of the giant kids since their story emerged internationally in world media.

Former pirate and writer of The Freak Show Mr. 3 said: "This production is nothing like an old freak show where the 'freaks' did nothing but stand about while the public gawped at them."

"The children here will be singing and dancing about how rough their lives have been as part of a story. If the audience happen to stare and point at how the kids look a bit weird, I hardly think that's our fault."

Musical and cat enthusiast Mr. Kuro said: "A lot of people aren't seeing the bigger picture here. They have hired the cream of musical crop to direct and choreograph this show."

"If it was just an excuse to show freakish children, they wouldn't have gone through the bother and expense of putting on a decent show. Besides there are so many other freaks in this world that make these children seem normal."

Meanwhile Water 7 dock worker Paulie said: "I don't really have any interest in theatre, it's a bit snooty for me to be honest, but I am interested in seeing what those kids look like".

"I mean they're bigger than me and are like 5 years old or something, that's totally crazy".

"I'd pay good money to see that".


	6. I hate Boa Hancock, says man

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**"I hate Boa Hancock," says man**

18-Aug-2013

BOA Hancock whose striking beauty is said to be able to turn men to stone or have them do her bidding seemingly has no effect on hermit James Cook.

The 52-year-old man was shockingly discovered to have been living on the Island of Woman, Amazon Lily for the last 27 years, until recently, undetected. He is said to have washed ashore after surviving a shipwreck just off the calm belt then shacked up in a cave that ultimately became his home.

James Cook a former Marine Captain said: "When I first landed on the island I was thrilled to still be alive but I was weak, fatigued and dehydrated. I had lost my crew and was in complete shock. The island had a lush supply of life; fresh water, greens and plenty of animals for meat. I thought I had found paradise and for a while I had; I was able to get strong and healthy again."

"Then I discovered the Kuja tribe. These women are killing machines and they don't hold very high opinions of the male species, I can tell you that. I saw quite a number of ogling male perverts get tortured over the years."

"I have no idea why men think living amongst only women would be great anyway. All they do is gossip and bitch about each other and then spend hours grooming themselves. I just kept out of their way."

"Then that Hancock woman arrived, dear gods, what a whiney and overly dramatic creature she is. I didn't see her about too often thankfully but when she did come near to my little part of the island you always knew by all of the noise, commotion and mess she left behind and boy does she screech. What a pain in the neck!"

"Amazon Lily is such a beautiful part of the world but I eventually just got sick to death of the women there; so I built myself a raft out of anything I could find, old wood, old rope, crap that the Kuja tribe left behind then set sail for whatever the nearest island was."

"It was a Marine ship that found me, only two days after I had set off. They couldn't believe my story at first but they managed to run a background check on me, despite all of the years that had passed they were able to confirm that I spoke the truth."

"Now I live in this all-mod-cons wooden, two bedroomed mansion on the island of Baterira. Although I don't have to fear for my life anymore, it's just not the same as my little cave back on Amazon Lily and I blame that Hancock witch for my current circumstances."

"I really hate that woman!"

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A/N - Extra points to you if you have heard of the real life Captain James Cook


	7. Anywhere nice teeming with arseholes

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Anywhere nice absolutely teeming with arseholes**

20-Aug-2013

ALL the picturesque parts of the world are now full of utter dickbags, it has emerged.

The increasing popularity of the pirate lifestyle has resulted in an exodus of all the worlds' unpleasant weirdoes travelling and settling everywhere there is land, figures explain. Experts confirmed that intolerable idiots could no longer be avoided in even the most remote places.

Professor Clover of the Tree of Knowledge said: "Thanks to advances in ship technology and people who have a desire to be morons, anywhere with grass and birds or a picturesque viewpoint within a 400-mile radius of the sea is almost entirely populated by dreadful people who just want to you to not have nice things."

"It is known that some pirates can actually be very pleasant and civilised but where these types of pirates have settled down, power hungry arsehole Marines have moved in instead. Your normal everyday citizen can no longer escape these ghastly people."

41-year-old Warlord of the Sea Donquixote Doflamingo said: "Thanks to my devil fruit abilities and a team of oppressed minions I can now do all my evil work from a lovely country cottage that has a swimming pool, while also writing Sunday supplement pieces about making feather coats."

New blacksmith "Axe-hand" Morgan, recently moved to Cocoyashi Village in the Conomi Islands: "I am a massive tool and was worried the move from the Marine fortress in Shells Town might cut me off from similarly loathsome people."

"Turns out this village is an absolute arsehole jamboree. It has been raided by so many self-absorbed morons that I feel right at home."

"I'm determined to do an honest job now but it's nice to know that there are similar minded people to myself here who I can go to the pub with."


	8. Charity Save the Lapahns a hoax

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Charity "Save the Lapahns" a hoax**

22-Aug-2013

LAPAHNS are not as endangered as we have all been led to believe, it has emerged.

Drum Island's extremely violent giant rabbits are currently being investigated by the World Government for creating the fake charity "Save the Lapahns". The charity campaigned that the Drum ice-caps were melting due to atmospheric pollutions, which consequently was destroying the Lapahns natural habitat and ultimately killing them off.

However, scientific experts had been claiming that this simply wasn't happening on the winter island for the past three years. A Marine raid on the charities HQ in the Drum Rockies was finally performed yesterday as authorities suspicions sharply escalated about the charities legitimacy."

Reports published today on the Governments snail-site have confirmed that the "Save the Lapahns" charity was in fact created by the Lapahns themselves in an "easy money making scam", using all of the money donated to them to live up a luxurious lifestyle in pimped out mountain burrows.

Seaman Recruit Ukkari who was part of the raid said: "I just couldn't believe my eyes at first; those rabbits had managed to get their hands on five pairs of limited edition Pappug jeans. I'd give my left arm for a pair of those."

"Oh, and the phrase 'at it like rabbits' definitely holds true there, there were thousands of the overly violent fluffy monsters everywhere".

"We requested them to shut down the charity with immediate effect as it was obvious that the cause was a load of bollocks. Thankfully I managed to leave with only two fractured ribs, a black eye and three missing teeth when we arrested the main culprits of the con."

The charities closure has already had a knock-on effect on thousands of part-time employed moaning students; who would pretend they held interest in the charity in order to earn some booze money by annoying the general public into donating their spare coins to the cause.

Complaining student Rachael who lives in Alabasta Kingdom said: "It's quite annoying that the charity was fake and that it got busted. I could take 10% of any donations I had collected."

"Alabasta is a pretty expensive place to live; now I won't have that earned bit of extra cash because I can't be bothered to get a proper job yet, I'll have to cut back on going out drinking from five days a week to three. It's like the Government is going out of its way to make students poor!"

The charities assets and leftover funds will be distributed throughout Drum islands medical practices, where it is said the money will go towards new research and one hell of a big party.


	9. Ex-assassin becomes beauty model

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Ex-assassin becomes beauty model**

24-Aug-2013

FORMER Cipher Pol agent Kumadori has snapped up the much coveted contract to become the new face of brand Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes.

The brand that usually choose pretty sport stars with zero acting talent or personality for their adverts have surprised many with their new choice. Some industry experts are sceptical that Kumadori will attract new buyers to the product with some expecting a drop in future sales.

Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes remain positive however of their new advertising star saying that: "Kumadori certainly is an eccentric character and kind of hard to forget with his snow white skin and huge hulking physique."

Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes Marketing Manager Losa Pepp said: "Kumadori instantly jumped out to us, he has some of the longest and most beautiful hair we have ever seen. That's something that we really wanted to cash in on straight away."

"He can actually fight with his luscious pink locks, the follicles are super strong and we would like our customers to irrationally assume that they can achieve similar results with our shampoos and conditioners."

Consumer Dr. Kurena said: "I don't even know who his guy is and frankly he looks weird but I can't deny that he does have amazingly wonderful hair."

"He even makes my young and vibrant bonce look like a dog's dinner. I'd be interested to know what he really uses on those strands because there isn't a fat chance in hell that it'll be that Head & Shoulder, Knees & Toes rubbish."

Meanwhile, a former Cipher Pol work colleague Jabra has warned about Kumadori's personality: "Kumadori's worst trait is his constant need to kill himself for the minor wrongdoings by himself or anyone else he happens to be in a room with."

"At first it's pretty funny; our former CP group thought he was just joking around so we used to purposefully be dicks and tease him to see how he'd react. After a while it just gets irritating though, I mean he threatens to kill himself at least six times in an hour."

"He talks in such an annoyingly loud and dramatic fashion as well that sometimes I wished that he really did commit Sepuku just so we could get some peace."

"If I'm honest I think Kumadori is such an odd choice for a beauty campaign, I certainly wouldn't touch anything that had his ugly mug advertising it. There is something seriously wrong with this world."


	10. Okama have more fun than you

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Okama officially have more fun then you**

27-Aug-2013

OKAMA party more, socialise more and have more incredible sex lives than any other type of person, it has been claimed.

Members of the Social Science Society completed a report on okama behaviour that revealed that they led much more debouched and promiscuous lifestyles that everyone else was secretly incredibly jealous of.

The report was published this week to tie in with the weekend's annual okama parade. Held this year in Alubarna, the parade had an extra special fabulousness to it by being headed by world famous Kamabakka Queen and member of the Revolutionaries Emporio Ivankov.

Thousands of suspender and stocking clad okama and fans descended on the desert city to catch a glimpse of their purple haired idol; managing to stretch initially planned one day festival to a three day street bonanza.

In an interview with the Daily Crab, Ivankov said: "There has never been such a fun time as this to become an okama. Many of our candy boys are now travelling and making the world that little bit more sparkly, sequined and beautiful."

"The parade is always a good way to show the world that we're quite harmless and incredibly pleasant people. There are still many in the world who are quite terrified of us [laughs], honestly young children look at me and start crying, I have no idea why, I mean my smile is literally bigger than their entire body but they always look petrified whenever I try to approach them with my enormous head."

Organisers of the event said it broke previous records of the amount of people who attended, with just over 14,000 people enjoying the festivities. It is also claimed that the whole extended weekend went by without any trouble despite some worry that Ivankov's presence would upset the Marines.

Inazuma who was fashioning various wigs for the weekend said: "I know so many people who deep down have a desire to wear heels and a feather boa. The Okama lifestyle gives you that freedom to express yourself."

"Take me for example, I believe carrying around a full wine glass makes you look really sophisticated, so you know what, I just walk around contently with a glass a wine in my hand. Fabulous!"

Meanwhile, some have expressed outrage at the report; Sanji a member of the Strawhat Pirates said: "I am a manly man! The okama, whilst men are just not very manly but to be more on point, they are not womanly either, not that I want them to be womanly! Again the point is that they're very scary and I do not want to believe that they are more popular then I am in stakes of attraction!"

"Not that I want them to be attracted to me!"


	11. Talking toys actually freak everyone out

**~The Daily Crab~**

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29-Aug-2013

**Talking toys actually freak everyone out**

THE Politically Correct Society who campaign against prejudices against many people of the world have claimed that there can be no help for prejudices towards automated toys.

The society who visit schools in the world hoping to teach children not to be complete jackasses to those people who are in minority groups; have said that automated toys are not included in their teachings due to the fact that they're man made and totally creepy.

Many automated toys in the world are taking to campaigning for their toy rights, with a march said to be taking place in San Faldo next month. Their main message being that they want to be treated equally as humans, many believe is just completely ridiculous and laughable.

Professor Clover of the Tree of Knowledge said: "The very idea of talking toys is great and magical in our imaginations but in reality talking automated toys are very sinister and the stuff of nightmares".

"Older toys in particular that have not been so well maintained over the years, they may have missing limbs or a wonky eye where the glue or joints have worn, are more likely to evoke people to kick them out of their way in disgust or fear rather than stick around to be 'entertained'.

"Automated toys do have their fans though and can become a very comforting companion to many desperately lonely citizens in the world, this particularly holds true on the island of Dressrosa where the toys are very popular due to the fact that everyone else who lives there is so completely ghastly."

"To most, however, the talking toys are just disturbing and wrong with some not irrationally believing that the toys real objective is to actually want to kill all humans and take over the world."

Fan of all things terrifying, weird and cute Perona said: "Those mass manufactured automated toys are just not cute. They're always so happy and bright all the time; I can't imagine anyone who would purposefully want to be around that."

"I can actually put the dead, their spirits at least into inanimate objects, I usually choose stuffed animals; they're much cuter in my opinion. Sometimes I command my haunted teddys to interact with other people but generally other humans don't seem that interested and they tend to run away."

"If the public don't even like the toys I can make come alive which at least have a human soul, I am not surprised that the automated toys are so unpopular."


	12. Vain pirate sues women's magazine

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Vain pirate sues women's magazine**

02-Sep-2013

CAPTAIN of the Beautiful Pirates Cavendish, known to his fans as "Pirate Prince" is attempting to sue women's magazine In Style for "disrespectfully" only ranking him 24th in their annual poll for the "sexiest pirate of the year".

The yearly list featuring 30 pirates, which is actually voted for by the magazine's readers has seen past winners such as "red-haired" Shanks and the sharp eyed Dracule Mihawk crowned in the top spot. Now in its 17th year, this is the first occasion the popular and light-hearted poll has sparked such outrage.

In Style editor Greta Life said: "The pirate Cavendish must be some kind of special not to know that the poll is based on votes by our readers. I've tried to explain this to him over Den Den Mushi during negotiations but he just kept insisting that I was lying in such an annoyingly haughty way that I wish we could have been face to face so I could have smacked him one."

"He is now suing us because he swears that there is some kind of conspiracy within our magazine purposely set against him for not even ranking him at all last year or the year before and only 24th this year. Frankly I believe he should be quite proud of his ranking in the list; 24th isn't bad out of thousands of pirates considering not many people even know who he is."

"There is one thing I'm certain of, however, and that is that this guy is a complete shithead. We'll see him in court!"

Cavendish is known as a Super Rookie in terms of pirate crew and has a small but dedicated fan base since he appeared on the pirating scene just over two years ago before the arrival of the Supernovas.

Female In Style reading mermaid Keimi said: "Huh? I don't even know Cavendish is. I voted for Luffy-chin Captain of the Strawhats!"

"Actually, I voted for all of the Strawhats, even cute little Chopper and the dead man Brook [laughs], I know I'm a bit wired but they should definitely win!"

In Style's 2013 Sexiest Pirate of the Year top 5:

1. Trafalgar Law (Heart Pirates)

2. Roronoa Zoro (Strawhat Pirates)

3. Monkey D. Luffy (Strawhat Pirates)

4. Marco (Whitebeard Pirates)

5. Eustass Kid (Kid Pirates)


	13. New pirates working hard on personas

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**New pirates working hard on ridiculous personas**

04-Sep-2013

FRESH super rookie pirates starting their Grand Line adventures are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

Experts are predicting this year's pirate personas could be the most ridiculous yet, as social den den mushi media intensifies the pressure to be unique.

Super rookie Bartolomeo has decided to call himself 'The Cannibal' and has shaped his teeth accordingly by having extensive dental surgery to create large canine fangs.

He said: "'The Cannibal' is a punk sticking it to the world, who gets laid most nights, as opposed to 'Bart' who has an obsessive compulsive disorder for ship cleanliness and puts concealer on his spots."

"I've tattooed some lines and patterns on my body, after researching 'old insane pirates' and copying the stuff that I thought looked cool."

"I'm going to tell everyone that my parents were free spirited hippies who died of drug overdoses and that that really messed me up, which makes me seem more dangerous."

"It's kind of true; I mean they both drink a hell of a lot to mentally escape their mundane corporate office jobs. I still love them though of course."

Caribou is attempting to start his own terrifying campaign with his brother Coribou, once he can steal a good ship once again.

He said: "We've already come up with cool aliases: Coribou will be known as the 'blood-spatterer' whilst I will be famous for my constant wet hair. They will call me 'wet-haired Caribou'; it's going to be epic! Yeah, I know my alias is a bit shit."

"My pirate persona is deranged and sadistic, with a big cloak lined with dyed green leopard print, I stick my freakishly long tong out a lot and attempt to steal things but I'm still open to finding the right woman to have at my side for the occasional candle lit romantic supper together."

G-5 Marine officer Smoker said: "Pretending to be cool for the first time can be intimidating but lord help us all for this new range of utter douchebags. I can't even take them seriously as a threat when they give themselves made-up personas."

"I'll smoke them all out, it's like taking out the rubbish, then I can do some real work once again."


	14. Cheeky D brother's song hits No1 spot

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Cheeky D. brother's song hits No.1 in the charts**

06-Sep-2013

CONTROVERSIAL pop song 'Party like the D. brothers' has hit the number one spot in the GL music charts by similarly controversial artist Soul King Brook.

Soul King who was unmasked as a member of the Strawhat pirates whilst on his Grand Line tour at the Shabody Archipelago; self-released the track as a tribute to the "incredible bond" between his captain Monkey D. Luffy and of his late brother Portgas D. Ace.

The track has particularly angered Brook's former agents, who cannot cash in on the profits after they dramatically cut all ties with the artist once it was revealed he was a pirate.

However, the song has been upsetting thousands of grouchy old people who no longer have anything better to do in their lives then send letters of complaint to anyone they can think of because of the songs "rude" contents.

Grouchy old chef Zeff of the Baratie said: "When I have a rare break away from my moron employees I like to listen to the radio for some escapism."

"So this song comes on with a really catchy tune but then I really start to listen to it and I have to wonder just what the hell is wrong with today's youth."

"Here are some of the lyrics, I meticulously wrote them down to help express how disgruntled I am: 'lick that cream up off your faces, that pie missed your holes in several cases, Ace'll turn up the heat and Luffy'll get you stretching, now let's all join in the fun and get this party started' then after the chorus there's some other shit about 'riding giant birds together'."

"Now I not long ago had a teenage brat living with me and I'm quite aware of what 'riding giant birds' implies and all that other innuendo isn't lost on me either. The song may be hip to young-uns but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, more so because that Ace kid died at the battle of Marineford, I think it's a bit insensitive."

Superfan Lucy currently competing at the Corrida Colosseum said: "It's not meant to be rude at all, even though Brook can be a bit of a pervert."

"Honestly, Ace and me, I mean Luffy, did just really like to eat food together and the giant birds refers to the super spot-billed ducks in Alabasta. It's all completely innocent".

"Everyone needs to get their heads out of the gutter!"


	15. Your astrological month ahead

**~The Daily Crab~**

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**Your astrological month ahead, with seaman Django**

08-Sep-2013

**Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)**

Despite feeling the need to show off your sunny personality at work or school this month, everyone else will hate you for it. It is best to be miserable and dead inside like everyone else until you are in your own free time.

**Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)**

Avoid areas or seas where sea king fish tend to be, they're hungry and someone told them that Librans' are the tastiest in September.

**Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) **

When your doctor asks how many alcohol units you drink per week, by 'units' he doesn't mean 'kitchen cabinets-full'.

**Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)**

You will get a surprise when something rubbery smacks you in the face, possibly an old friend gets back in touch or you find a toy you thought was lost for good.

**Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)**

The grass is only greener on the other side because there is a crazed gunman protecting it from anyone who dares put their dirty feet on his side. Guns will try to kill you this month.

**Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)**

You will be put on the spot by a colleague or friend this month to do something that you really would much rather not do. It may be best to hide in a wardrobe with a month supply of booze, so if they find you, you'll be too pissed to care about what they're asking of you.

**Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)**

You've always been proud of the fact that no matter what, you're prepared to stand by your principles. It's just a shame they're so utterly ludicrous.

**Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)**

A man with facial hair will start a fight with you. Kick him in the crotch; he's actually attempting to flirt with you in the hope that you'll buy him dinner.

**Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)**

Love is in the air. You'll fall hard in love with something this month whether it's solid, liquid or gas. Be careful not to overindulge it will make people judge you.

**Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) **

You're the life of the party until a fashion faux pas makes you accidently flash everyone around you. You will spend the month trying to explain to people that you are in fact not a desperate and weird pervert.

**Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) **

This month you treat yourself to that item you have been after for ages. You break it within a week, blame it on one of your idiot friends and get them to owe you compensation.

**Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)**

You've been arguing about politics a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dropped sandwich.


End file.
